Last night I thought about God again.
I was sitting in my chair, contemplating, as usual. This time, my thoughts turned backwards in time, to the days in which I was one with God. I thought about all the time and energy I had spent developing a relationship with Him--countless hours of prayer, scripture reading, and meditation. I was great. I was serious. I was holy.
Then what happened? I started searching inwards for truth rather than just in the holy books. I started listening to my own reason. I started to doubt.
Doubt is a slippery slope indeed.
Last night I began to yearn for God.
I thought about how much security God provided me. He gave me the surety of the immortality of my soul: that this life is not all there is. He gave me a clear path to follow. Most importantly, He gave me the surety that I would be able to see my grandparents again.
My grandparents. I love them more than anything (except my family that's still here). I would give up everything if I could have the chance to see them one more time. That being said, I can't even imagine how I'll feel when a closer family member dies... I really don't want to experience that pain. That pain, coupled with a lack of faith in the hereafter, will be the hardest trial of my life, by far.
I am not nearly as scared of my own death as I am of the death of a family member.
Last night I saw God.
In the midst of what I know is now the deepest I've ever meditated on the existence of God and the truthfulness of the Mormon Church, I was overcome with an immense power that literally squeezed tears from my unfaithful eyes. Before, I would have said this feeling was the Spirit, and that it was testifying to me the truthfulness of the Gospel. This time, I cannot tell. I want it to be the Spirit. I want it more than anything in the world. But I know I don't believe. I know I can't believe, at least not now. It's too confusing for me. I cannot lie to myself, even though I would love more than anything to be able to. I absolutely approve of any other person's conversion to Mormonism except my own.
I was suddenly back in my room in my parent's house, weeping like a baby while reading 3rd Nephi. Feeling the love of God surround me like an eternal blanket. Safe, secure, peaceful.
I've felt my grandparent's spirits before. Or at least I've thought I have. I don't know now. I wish I could say I have. I wish I could say that they're still there, somewhere, looking down and loving me and calling me back to God. I wish it more than anything in the world.
I wish everyone could see their grandparents again.
I don't believe that they're not there. Thank God I'm not a complete atheist. I don't believe in God, but I also do not not believe in Him, if that makes sense. I don't believe in Mormonism because of logic. But I want to believe because of my desires.
"Families can be together forever." The most beautiful idea ever crafted by man.
