When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things. - I Corinthians 13:11
I'm thinking about going back to church. Yes, MORMON church. I still don't "believe" in it, but I've realized that there are other reasons to go back.
My late obsession with "truth" has exhausted itself in a great big subjective heap. There is only a deep void where there used to be purpose and meaning. I've made friends with this void, yes, but it is still very lonely. It does not speak when spoken to and nobody else loves it like I do. It's silence is deafening.
So, what does one do in a world where nothing is real? My answer is: I Act. I participate in the great drama. I involve myself with other people through the drama and learn to act for action's sake. This, to me, seems to be the pinnacle of maturity and enlightenment. It is the fulfillment of dharma.
I will go to church to fulfill dharma. To act for action's sake.
I will do it for my mom, and for my grandparents, alive and dead. When I read stories about my grandfather in the church, I am filled with the Spirit, as they call it in the LDS Church. I am certain, for reasons that either transcend or precede logic, that the Church is "true." It may just be my emotional connection to my grandfather, but in any case, I know that the feeling is true, if not the thing it tells me. I have a desire to be reunited with my grandparents. To live with them again, as they say in the Church. I can't do that on my own. I can only do that in the Church.
Even if my mind doesn't believe in it, my heart does. And if I've learned one thing in my short life, it's that the mind is only a tool to be used to experience greater happiness. If your logos has taken over and is only causing you pain, you are doing it wrong and are sick.
I want my mom to be happy. I know she experiences so much pain because I left the church. It is just a small sacrifice for me to go back, and in doing so I can bring about so much happiness. It seems obvious what I should do.
I want my brother and sisters to stay in the church. For their own sakes and for my mother's. My brother once told my mom that it's hard for him to go to church and live the Gospel when his dad and his brother don't. I want to be a good example for him and my sisters. I want them to be proud of their older brother and look to him as a pillar of stability and love that they can turn to for anything. The framework that they have been raised in is the church. They have been trained to trust most entirely anything that comes from the church. I have to be part of the church if I want them to feel most comfortable with me. For Chris, Rachel, and Hannah.
There is currently a rift between me and my family that exists because I do not go to church. I am a black sheep. I want to be white again. I want to restore the family unit.
I am growing into an adult. Part of becoming an adult is putting away childish things and an overhaul of my entire outlook on life, etc. My childish thing was viewing the world in terms of absolutes. In terms of "true" and "false." I am beginning to disvalue truth. I am beginning to really think for myself. Rather, I am beginning to listen to my own feelings. I am beginning to be. I want a simple existence, a happy existence. It seems that the most pure and simple and happy life for me would be to return to church. It is my dharma. I have been born into it for better or for worse.
Goodbye, childhood.
