Understanding.

Finally I understand.  I understand that crazy thing called 'love.'  Somehow, I can rationally understand the irrationality of this enigmatic topic.  It's deeper than sexuality, but shallower than intellectualism.  There is something more to it than just a purely carnal drive, but it does not quite grasp the heights of logical thinking.  Before now, I was convinced that it had to be one or the other, appetite or reason, but now I'm pretty sure it's in another categorical realm altogether.

I've been in what I thought was love two times in my short life.  The first was a sexual desire, and the second was an intellectual surety.

In the first instance, I was completely enveloped by a lustful urge for physical intimacy--an evolutionarily adapted instinct to procreate.  My relationship with this person was fueled by passionate make-out sessions and other physically intimate acts.  Despite our intense physical attachment,  however, we were aligned neither on the intellectual level nor on the 'third' level, which I will attempt to explain later, and as a result our relationship came to an end and we went our separate ways.

The second instance, and the more recent of the two, arose from a sense of perfect compatibility.  I thought we were perfect for each other.  We had similar life goals, similar values, and got along awesomely.  Interestingly enough, throughout the tenure of my fascination with this individual, I did not entertain a single sexual fantasy in which that person was involved.  I called my love 'spiritual' and thought it was everything 'beautiful and lofty,' but sadly, or maybe fortunately, things did not work out and I never even got a date.  The reasons this person gave me for refusing my advances were incomprehensible to me at the time, as there was no logical or sexual reason for the refusal, and instead was just a simple, baffling 'uncertainty.'

This 'uncertainty' has been a terrifying subject for my analytic brain to think about, and I have spent many hours since the rejection trying to understand it.  It is the very reason I am writing this blog post right now and, admittedly, has biased every bit of information I have written here.  In a way, this post is intended as a closure to the anxieties I have experienced since my rejection, and by categorizing and defining this and that and trying to understand what 'love' is, I am calming my mind and moving on.  It doesn't even matter if anything I've said is true or not--what matters is that I believe it, and I do.  So, what of this abysmal 'uncertainty?'

That's what love is, (man).  It's uncertain.  That's the third level, the level of uncertainty.  It's the level of 'just clicking,' of 'at first sight,' of 'I don't know, there's just something about her...'  It's illogical, non-sexual, and wonderful.  Sure, we may justify our uncertainty using reasons, or enjoy our sexual experiences with our partners, but at the end of the day, those things are irrelevant and separate from the uncertainty principle of love.  Love is a zenful thing.  It's like the Tao--unknowable but through experience.

Ok, this may be crazy, I know, but it's alright.  I believe this because of my most recent experience in the arena of 'love,' in which I developed a 'crush' on a person who, while being incredibly attractive, I feel no sexual urges for, and who, while being a complete joy to be around, I hardly even know.  Add to all this the fact that it is extremely disadvantageous for me to have feelings for this person, and we get something that transcends both sex and logic.

And here I was, thinking humans were merely sexual/intellectual beings... I guess there's some Zen to us after all.