I get to hear things like this everyday. My job is the greatest in the world. Seeing and talking to all the kids is such a great privilege and responsibility. There is just so much positive vibes and energy. It's so easy to love those kids. If only that was the case with adults.
Yes, of course you'll be ok. Don't worry, everything will be all right. Just rest and you'll feel all better in a short while.
Lies.
It won't be ok. You'll survive this night, but it will still hurt. It will always hurt. No matter how happy you are, no matter how good you feel, this pain will always be present in your psyche. Deep down, like the pit of a cherry.
I'm so tired. Ever since he puked all over my floor I've been tired. Real life smacked me in the face and I had to take responsibility. I'm not scared of trouble; I'm only scared of causing other people pain. If all that happened was a slap on the wrist, I would be fine: it's the knowledge of disappointment that knaws at my soul.
I want other people to feel safe. I want the world to be a safe world for everybody. Safety means trust. It means that a person can trust another not to harm them physically, emotionally, or spiritually. Life has order and there is nothing to fear.
That's why I strive to do good. Not because I want to please anyone--but because I don't want to be the cause of anyone's displeasure. I want my existence to validate a person's sense of security in this world: that people can be trusted and that they will be taken care of.
So that's the ideal I follow when a boy pukes all over my parent's carpet. I will take any punishment my parents deem fit to dole out upon me, my ass is exposed. I just care about the boy and his health. If it need be, I will let my parents know that I had alcohol at the house when they were away. I do not keep secrets if they need to be exposed.
The smell of vomit fills the air. I begin to have a headache--maybe the first signs of a looming hangover. How much did I drink? I don't know--it was enough to feel the heavens and leave the earth far below for a couple of hours. Was it worth it? The few hours of elation for the toxins that accompany it? Well, yes it is worth it. I learn so much from it. I learn abandonment and bliss. No worries. All over the place. How things should be. How things should never be for long. Drunkedness is a blessing and a curse. If experienced rarely, it gives insight into the most beautiful forms of being; if experienced too frequently, it can become a crutch and lead to illusionment and sorrow.
Charlie's fine. He's young and learning. The body is an amazing thing, and so smart! It rejects that which is wrong for us. If only our minds could do the same.
A bear catches a fish,
and the river flows beneath it.
I suffer a great sorrow,
and the world continues to turn.
A bear with a fish in its mouth.
An ego under a mountain of suffering.
Which is greater? Which is more worthy?
Those who suffer are ignorant. They are ignorant of the Greater Knowledge, of the Tao. They are the ones with eyes to see, yet are blind--with ears to hear, yet are deaf. They are the seekers who will never find. The finder never seeks. The Greater Knowledge is spontaneous. It cannot be grasped and will only slip through you fingers if you try. It is there, ever present, ever friendly, ever waiting. It is nowhere, ever elusive, ever malicious, ever fleeing. Good and evil. Yin and yang. Nirvana.
Experiential. That is the key. All your intellectual exercises and hours of deliberation will get you no closer to the Greater Knowledge. Only experience will bring you close.
Rule of thumb: Be humble! You know nothing. You are nothing. Accept that and let go. Let go of ego, etc. Give yourself to no ideology, god, or man. Accept the merit of ideas, but never believe in them. Engage in intellectual exercises and debate, but remain one step removed. Be God. Accept the paradox of your own insignificant nothingness and the fact that you are God Himself. It is only when you have reached the very deepest level of the Void that you will know this. It is only when you have reached the very deepest level of the Void that all will become light, and the darkness will disperse.
This is the demolition of ego. Retain individual identity--be yourself--but be humble! Once you have killed God, so to speak, your soul will be open to the sincerity of a spontaneous existence.
A side-note on the "death of God": The death of God is, superficially, a completely atheistical concept, BUT it is not as opposed to theism as you would think. It is, on a deeper level, an abandonment of ego itself. For what is a better representation of man's ego-centric view of the world than his creation of a God? Man placed himself in the center of the cosmos when he created the gods. He established himself as the chosen species. The Israelites went so far as to believe themselves to be the chosen PEOPLE. The god-creators fulfilled a great need that virtually every person experiences--that of existential meaning--but they also created much bigger problems because by filling that need they made it valid, relevant, and ever-permeating. The need for existential meaning is, by my assumptions, the very root of all egoism and the cause of most of the anxiety which the Western world faces every day.
On the other hand, rather, in the other hemisphere, the East has handled the problem of existential anxiety in a very different way--by calling it stupid. More exactly, they have broadly defined all of existence to be "suffering." Now, this can be--and for the most part has been--literally interpreted, and as a result many people subscribing to Eastern thought have turned to lives of asceticism in order to "escape" the body. However, if taken with a grain of salt and Taoist philosophy, the "suffering" that the Buddha talks about becomes nothing more than an expression of the absurdity of life itself. This absurdity is manifested in the petty sufferings that man goes through every day in the broader context of the great eternal scheme of things. In this context, even the most horrific acts of human atrocity are reduced to insignificance. For those of more philosophic temperaments, this is an absolutely relevant issue, and requires a solution of sorts. This is exactly the crisis of existential meaning every intelligent human being experiences. As mentioned above, the West has reacted to this problem with the creation of gods, goddesses, and other imaginary ideals, and the East has solved it by resorting to reductio ad absurdum and admitting that the question is unanswerable in any intellectually significant way. Either way, the problem has been addressed adequately enough that most of the population, East and West, are able to move along with their lives and direct their attentions towards more intellectually appropriate and socially important things--like politics.
Ok, the two preceding paragraphs definitely could be more organized, but give me a break--I'm making this up as I go. Maybe I'll revise it later, but for now, whatevs.
Most of my small audience believes in God, and I respect that. I would not change that belief if I could, and I encourage everyone to explore and learn and grow in their own ways, and in their own faiths. My truth that I preach is mine, and I like it. You don't have to, and I'm open to criticism because I enjoy being proved wrong even more than being proved right. I, unlike so many on this beautiful planet, have acquired the ability to laugh at myself.
A bear loses a battle
and walks away in shame.
A boy makes a mistake
and loses himself in laughter.
A bear walking in shame.
A boy shaking in laughter.
Which is greater? Which is more worthy?
Man alone determines his own fate. Man alone can choose his own course. Man alone can laugh at his own follies. Man is greater. Man is more worthy.
They're putting our dog down right now. I knew this would happen, and I'm not gonna say I didn't know it was gonna be this hard, because I know it's so much harder for so many others. A few tears, a few sobs--these never hurt anybody. I don't have a fancy photo montage or anything like that to commemorate his memory, and I won't sit here and say he was "the best dog ever" or "one of my best friends." I honestly didn't appreciate him as much as many dog owners appreciate their own dogs. He was just kinda there. But hey, I loved him. I'll miss him. I'll miss seeing his sorry butt sunbathing out on the lone patch of grass in our backyard, like nothing was wrong with the world--even towards the end, when he was getting real bad, he could still be seen at least once a day just enjoying life like nobody's business out in the sun. Just yesterday he was barking at a damn cat in the backyard. He showed me--no matter how little I payed attention to him, how little I gave him walks or cared to even play with him--he showed me that life was too good to fret about the small things. That no matter what our condition, or how bad we feel on one level, we can still be happy and live a pure existence.
But aside from all that philosophical mumbo-jumbo, there's really only one thing to say of any importance: Oreo was a dog, and he Lived.
I know your mental history, and I love you, so I am now making a list of things that will make you happy. Right now I have been doing all these things and have been feeling awesome, so I hope they help you if you need help wherever you're at right now.
1) Stop napping. For anyone else, naps might be fine or even good. However, you enjoy them way too much and use them as a way to escape from the world. You cannot escape. Stay here. BE here. Don't let drowsiness or any other temptation take you away from where you really are.
2) Do homework when there is still daylight outside. You are naturally most idle when the sun is up, so this is the best time for you to affirm life and go against the sloth within you and do actual work. Plus, once you've gotten all your work out of the way, you'll have a free night to do whatever, including think. You always do your best thinking on a stress-free night, and often have valuable existentially-enriching moments when relaxing at the end of a day.
3) Switch up the music you listen to. Listen to whatever you want during the day. You seem to enjoy more upbeat/hardcore music when the sun is up. This is good. Allow the energy in that music to flow through your body and use it to motivate positive and productive action. When the sun is down, however, tone it down a bit. Listen to bands like Sigur Ros. Focus on relaxing before you go to bed.
4) Eat regular meals. Eat at least two meals a day, on a schedule. Ramen doesn't count. If necessary, force yourself to go out to get food. Do not eat late at night. Allow a lengthy digestive period to take place before going to bed. Try to eat healthy, well-rounded meals. Chicken is ok. Eat salad and other veggies. Cut down on fried potatoes. Make sure your plate is colorful before you sit down to eat.
5) Keep substances out of your life. Affirm life by controlling it. Those happy feelings you get from the bottle are meaningless. It's just another cop out. It's just another type of nap, except physically poisonous. Remember what you are doing before you take a drink. Control your body.
6) Don't freak out. If you find yourself having any kind of anxiety attack, don't go crazy. Step back, mentally, and wait it out. It is a physiological phenomena, and you can still retain a calm mind if you don't let it affect your brain. Remember that you are more than your body. You are also a mind. Identify with your mind if your body is behaving badly, it will stop soon enough.
7) Be social. If you are alone on the weekend, go out of your comfort zone to find people to hang out with. Never spend a whole weekend trapped in your room. Even if it is just a simple trip to the bookstore, get out. You are a social animal, Timothy, no matter how much you think you aren't. You need to see people in order to be happy. So do it.
8) Remain active. Do your homework proactively. Go to all your classes, always. Fight the urge to nap. Read a book. Do anything except browse Facebook.
9) Be responsible. If you need help on something, get it. If you want something, make sure you do everything necessary to get it. Don't just give up. Don't resort to napping. Affirm life, goshdammit. You have so much potential, so much to share, so much to experience. Don't let your own tendency for inaction ruin that all.
10) Get ready for bed. Shower, brush your teeth, perhaps do a short workout. Make sure that you have a distinct separation between before bed time and after bed time. You don't have to go to bed directly after getting ready, but be sure not to start any really important thing, such as homework, after you've put your pj's on.
11) Read every day. If nothing else, read before you go to sleep. In fact, always read before you go to sleep. It will leave you will a nice, productive feeling and calm your mind. Keep up with your determination to be continuously studying. It doesn't matter if it's literature, philosophy, or economics. READ.
12) Have a place for yourself. This is both physical and mental. Ideally, try to have your own room. You are happiest when you have a room to return to in which you know you will not be disturbed. Keep active and social during the day, but return to your Fortress of Solitude in the evening and retire in peace. If you are sharing a room, this is difficult, but you can at least create a mental niche for yourself. Just tell whoever you live with that, before bed, you'd like to be left alone and have little to no conversation. Pop in your headphones, turn on some Sigur Ros, and you'll be good.
13) Keep your room clean. You may not think this is important, but I'm telling ya, it is. Look around you right now, and if you think any part of it looks like a "mess," fix it. You will feel so much better and more clear minded. Trust me on this.
14) Lastly, and most importantly, be IN CONTROL. Don't allow yourself to be swallowed up in the current of life. Don't give up. Go with the flow, but make sure you are above it all, and that you are in no danger of sinking. Everything I've mentioned up to this point is derived from this one principle. Please, be awesome.
There you have it. It's as comprehensive a list as I can think of right now. Remember Future Tim, I love you, and I want the best for you. I want you to be successful. I want you to be the best person you can. Most importantly, I want you to be happy. I want you to be able to notice the sunshine coming in from your bedroom window, and I want you to realize that that light is a manifestation of God's love itself. That everything around you is beautiful. That you yourself are beautiful. You may think your mind is screwed up, but remember how at peace you felt while writing this letter. Remember the tears that welled up in your eyes as you typed, and the love you felt for yourself at that very moment in time. Life is good. You are good. Don't give up. I believe in you.
Today, I walked across campus to the Leifson Physics building to turn in my lab report. I hadn't eaten anything all day, and I was a tad hungry, so I went to the Ansari Business building and bought a veggie burrito, a cheese quesadilla, and a Tazo Organic Iced Green Tea (with spearmint and lemongrass). I saw that the area outside the small Mexican restaurant I had bought my food items was empty, so I decided to sit there and eat my food. I was alone.
At this point in a blog post, I usually go off on how horrible it is to be alone and everything turns melodramatic. That isn't going to happen this time.
So anyway, I was alone. I could hear faint noises coming from the kitchen from whence my delicious meal was just produced, but other than that and the occasional person passing on their way to or from class, it was just me and my food. It was peaceful, you could say.
Sitting there, I realized something. Rather, I un-realized everything. Everything became a wonderful illusion around me. I was there, yet not there at all. I experienced a moment of Zen, if you will. I had forgotten how beautiful I am, alone. Alone, I have no one to please--no need to do or say or act any certain way. I can be myself, which is in reality (or non-reality) the absence of self, and enjoy a burrito without anxiety. I can let go of everything I've struggled so hard to obtain and keep hold of. My identity as an individual becomes irrelevant, and I can let go. It feels so good to let go.
We, as egoists, are terribly terrified of letting go. We have this silly need to BE something, to create an identity for ourselves--to be a unique personality in a uniformly blank sea of faces. This is what makes us human, I guess. Our uniquely human social/existential anxiety pushes us to do uniquely human things. It is doubtful that any other animal species on earth shares these same anxieties--at least not to the degree that we experience them.
They (the animals) are born free. We (the humans) are born in captivity. We need people, leaders, to show us the way to freedom. So we create Moses and Christs and Muhammeds and Buddhas to tell us how to be free. Unfortunately, many people simply trade their shackles of wild anxiety for chains more tame, more manageable. Instead of following the examples set forth by the God-men, they set them up as objects of worship--as masters to serve--and grovel at shrines of their own slavery, built by their own misguided hopes and dreams. They forget the Divine within themselves, and instead glorify false idols. Surely, we need these God-men to show us that there is a way out--that our earthly prisons are not inescapable and our anxieties not permanent--but that's all they should be used for: to show us that THERE IS a way, not to show us THE way. We must find the way ourselves, and when we find our own way, we will finally be Free. We will be Home.
In the words of sometime-philosopher, sometime-madman, Friedrich Nietzsche:
"You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist."
There are infinite paths here in life. We are constantly hopping from one to another, and always we hope for the best. Today, I found myself on my own uniquely correct path for a while. I found myself at Home. I can't stay here forever, I know, but that's alright. I'll struggle again, worry again, and go crazy again, but that's alright. We live, we eat burritos, and we die. And it's all alright.
