The Heart.

No matter what happens, I find comfort in the fact that what I am doing is a beautiful thing. A beautiful thing that is film-worthy. No matter how much pain, disappointment, and sorrow I suffer in the future, I will act in such a way that in 20 years I will be able to look back and say, "Yes, that was me" without shame and with my head held high.

To act selfishly is not to act at all. It is to cower in fear behind an imaginary self and to idolize our most base evolutionary trait--self preservation. You may live to be a hundred years old, but if you have never let your heart belong to another, you have not lived at all. The selfish man will never know true joy.

The walls that surround us are illusions. Break them down, and you will know reality. Love, and you will know reality.

Do not try to master or possess. You cannot carry an ocean with you. If you want to be part of the ocean, you must jump in, and allow yourself to be carried away by the currents. Do not mistake grasping for having.

It's good to be resolute sometimes, even if it is foolish. It gives life meaning and affirms the potential for beauty that the world contains. If we never acted against our logically sound conclusions, we would be nothing more than zombie-like robots, living dispassionate lives without hope.

Feelings are what make us man. We have programmed robots able to think. But, will they ever be able to feel? We may one day program them to one day appear to have feelings, but they will never actually have them. We can program ourselves to think in certain ways, but feelings are much more spontaneous. And spontaneity is beautiful.

"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage." - Lao Tzu

The Enlightenment was a failure. Our brains and hands are overrated. The heart wins.

Let us restore human dignity together.

Childish Things.

When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things. - I Corinthians 13:11

I'm thinking about going back to church.  Yes, MORMON church.  I still don't "believe" in it, but I've realized that there are other reasons to go back.

My late obsession with "truth" has exhausted itself in a great big subjective heap.  There is only a deep void where there used to be purpose and meaning.  I've made friends with this void, yes, but it is still very lonely.  It does not speak when spoken to and nobody else loves it like I do.  It's silence is deafening.

So, what does one do in a world where nothing is real?  My answer is: I Act.  I participate in the great drama.  I involve myself with other people through the drama and learn to act for action's sake.  This, to me, seems to be the pinnacle of maturity and enlightenment.  It is the fulfillment of dharma.

I will go to church to fulfill dharma.  To act for action's sake.

I will do it for my mom, and for my grandparents, alive and dead.  When I read stories about my grandfather in the church, I am filled with the Spirit, as they call it in the LDS Church.  I am certain, for reasons that either transcend or precede logic, that the Church is "true."  It may just be my emotional connection to my grandfather, but in any case, I know that the feeling is true, if not the thing it tells me.  I have a desire to be reunited with my grandparents.  To live with them again, as they say in the Church.  I can't do that on my own.  I can only do that in the Church.

Even if my mind doesn't believe in it, my heart does.  And if I've learned one thing in my short life, it's that the mind is only a tool to be used to experience greater happiness.  If your logos has taken over and is only causing you pain, you are doing it wrong and are sick.

I want my mom to be happy.  I know she experiences so much pain because I left the church.  It is just a small sacrifice for me to go back, and in doing so I can bring about so much happiness.  It seems obvious what I should do.

I want my brother and sisters to stay in the church.  For their own sakes and for my mother's.  My brother once told my mom that it's hard for him to go to church and live the Gospel when his dad and his brother don't.  I want to be a good example for him and my sisters.  I want them to be proud of their older brother and look to him as a pillar of stability and love that they can turn to for anything.  The framework that they have been raised in is the church.  They have been trained to trust most entirely anything that comes from the church.  I have to be part of the church if I want them to feel most comfortable with me.  For Chris, Rachel, and Hannah.

There is currently a rift between me and my family that exists because I do not go to church.  I am a black sheep.  I want to be white again.  I want to restore the family unit.

I am growing into an adult.  Part of becoming an adult is putting away childish things and an overhaul of my entire outlook on life, etc.  My childish thing was viewing the world in terms of absolutes.  In terms of "true" and "false."  I am beginning to disvalue truth.  I am beginning to really think for myself.  Rather, I am beginning to listen to my own feelings.  I am beginning to be.  I want a simple existence, a happy existence.  It seems that the most pure and simple and happy life for me would be to return to church.  It is my dharma.  I have been born into it for better or for worse.

Goodbye, childhood.

Maybe I'm a Tree.

I'm a tree.

I say this a lot.  Nobody really understands what I mean by it.  I typically receive a weird look like, "really? ok..." or a few guffaws.  I typically just laugh it off with everyone else.  Just pretend like I'm joking.  Like I'm just that guy who says crazy things, but isn't really crazy...

What is insanity anyway?  It's a societal evaluation of the atypical.  A person cannot be a tree.  Trees do not feel.  Trees do not think.  Trees do not talk.  Trees do not work.  Trees do not earn money.

But what if I am?  What if I have the soul of a tree, but was mistakenly put in a human's body?  What if that's why I'm happiest sitting by myself on the nice, cold dirt?  What if that's why I don't understand the vast majority of my race?  I don't understand social life.  So maybe I'm a tree.

I don't like noise.  I don't like large groups of people.  I can't go to a club.  I dislike rock concerts.  I would rather sit in silence, or with some nice Baroque music playing in the background.  So maybe I'm a tree.

In my most peace-filled, enlightened moments, I genuinely identify as a tree.  I also identify as the earth, the sun, God, and everything else in the universe, including the universe itself, but firstly I identify as a tree.  So maybe I'm a tree.

But I guess I'm part human, too.  I do like some things that other humans like.  I used to believe in God. I feel things and I think things and I talk and I work and I earn money.  But maybe I'm a tree.

I'm happy as a tree.

Why can't I be a tree?

Based Love.

Mormonism.

Last night I thought about God again.

I was sitting in my chair, contemplating, as usual.  This time, my thoughts turned backwards in time, to the days in which I was one with God.  I thought about all the time and energy I had spent developing a relationship with Him--countless hours of prayer, scripture reading, and meditation.  I was great.  I was serious.  I was holy.

Then what happened?  I started searching inwards for truth rather than just in the holy books.  I started listening to my own reason.  I started to doubt.

Doubt is a slippery slope indeed.

Last night I began to yearn for God.

I thought about how much security God provided me.  He gave me the surety of the immortality of my soul: that this life is not all there is.  He gave me a clear path to follow.  Most importantly, He gave me the surety that I would be able to see my grandparents again.

My grandparents.  I love them more than anything (except my family that's still here).  I would give up everything if I could have the chance to see them one more time.  That being said, I can't even imagine how I'll feel when a closer family member dies... I really don't want to experience that pain.  That pain, coupled with a lack of faith in the hereafter, will be the hardest trial of my life, by far.

I am not nearly as scared of my own death as I am of the death of a family member.

Last night I saw God.

In the midst of what I know is now the deepest I've ever meditated on the existence of God and the truthfulness of the Mormon Church, I was overcome with an immense power that literally squeezed tears from my unfaithful eyes.  Before, I would have said this feeling was the Spirit, and that it was testifying to me the truthfulness of the Gospel.  This time, I cannot tell.  I want it to be the Spirit.  I want it more than anything in the world.  But I know I don't believe.  I know I can't believe, at least not now.  It's too confusing for me.  I cannot lie to myself, even though I would love more than anything to be able to.  I absolutely approve of any other person's conversion to Mormonism except my own.

I was suddenly back in my room in my parent's house, weeping like a baby while reading 3rd Nephi.  Feeling the love of God surround me like an eternal blanket.  Safe, secure, peaceful.

I've felt my grandparent's spirits before.  Or at least I've thought I have.  I don't know now.  I wish I could say I have.  I wish I could say that they're still there, somewhere, looking down and loving me and calling me back to God.  I wish it more than anything in the world.

I wish everyone could see their grandparents again.

I don't believe that they're not there.  Thank God I'm not a complete atheist.  I don't believe in God, but I also do not not believe in Him, if that makes sense.  I don't believe in Mormonism because of logic.  But I want to believe because of my desires.

"Families can be together forever."  The most beautiful idea ever crafted by man.

Things Kids Say.

"TIMMYCHONGA!"

"It's Tiiiiiiimmmmmmyyyyyyy!"

*walking in front of a group of his groupmates* "My boys!"

"Tim, why are you always here?"

"Beedo is a bad word.  Anything that has an "ee" and an "o" is a bad word."
"Ee-ai-ee-ai-o!"

"________, did you tap her shoulder?"
*shaking with rage* "NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!"

"The Incredible Hulk is like ______; he gets mad at the tiniest things."
*shaking with rage* "NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!"

"_______, please get off me."
"But I like you so much!"

"Tim, can I be in your group?"

"Can I climb Tim mountain?"

"Hi ______.  Under my umberella!"
"I still don't get it."

"Daddy!"

"This is my meteor-right.  It only goes right."

"Where's my flip flops?"

"Where's my clip clops?"

"Tim, where were you??  You're always late!"

"That is like offering someone ice-cream, then slapping them in the face."
"Do you want some ice-cream?"

"Tim, you can do better."

"Tim, remember what I said."
"Yes, I know.  I can do better."

"Guys, what's the most important rule of legos?"
"No biting."

"What's wrong?"
"Society has failed me once again.  People are so incompetent!  INCOMPETENT!"

______ singing the National Anthem.

Anything ______ says.

-------------------------------------------------------------

I get to hear things like this everyday.  My job is the greatest in the world.  Seeing and talking to all the kids is such a great privilege and responsibility.  There is just so much positive vibes and energy.  It's so easy to love those kids.  If only that was the case with adults.

Drunkenness.

I'm going to be ok, right?

Yes, of course you'll be ok.  Don't worry, everything will be all right.  Just rest and you'll feel all better in a short while.

Lies.

It won't be ok.  You'll survive this night, but it will still hurt.  It will always hurt.  No matter how happy you are, no matter how good you feel, this pain will always be present in your psyche.  Deep down, like the pit of a cherry.

I'm so tired.  Ever since he puked all over my floor I've been tired.  Real life smacked me in the face and I had to take responsibility.  I'm not scared of trouble; I'm only scared of causing other people pain. If all that happened was a slap on the wrist, I would be fine: it's the knowledge of disappointment that knaws at my soul.

I want other people to feel safe.  I want the world to be a safe world for everybody.  Safety means trust.  It means that a person can trust another not to harm them physically, emotionally, or spiritually.  Life has order and there is nothing to fear.

That's why I strive to do good.  Not because I want to please anyone--but because I don't want to be the cause of anyone's displeasure.  I want my existence to validate a person's sense of security in this world: that people can be trusted and that they will be taken care of.

So that's the ideal I follow when a boy pukes all over my parent's carpet.  I will take any punishment my parents deem fit to dole out upon me, my ass is exposed.  I just care about the boy and his health.  If it need be, I will let my parents know that I had alcohol at the house when they were away.  I do not keep secrets if they need to be exposed.

The smell of vomit fills the air.  I begin to have a headache--maybe the first signs of a looming hangover.  How much did I drink?  I don't know--it was enough to feel the heavens and leave the earth far below for a couple of hours.  Was it worth it?  The few hours of elation for the toxins that accompany it?  Well, yes it is worth it.  I learn so much from it.  I learn abandonment and bliss.  No worries.  All over the place.  How things should be.  How things should never be for long.  Drunkedness is a blessing and a curse.  If experienced rarely, it gives insight into the most beautiful forms of being; if experienced too frequently, it can become a crutch and lead to illusionment and sorrow.

Charlie's fine.  He's young and learning.  The body is an amazing thing, and so smart!  It rejects that which is wrong for us.  If only our minds could do the same.