Understanding.

Finally I understand.  I understand that crazy thing called 'love.'  Somehow, I can rationally understand the irrationality of this enigmatic topic.  It's deeper than sexuality, but shallower than intellectualism.  There is something more to it than just a purely carnal drive, but it does not quite grasp the heights of logical thinking.  Before now, I was convinced that it had to be one or the other, appetite or reason, but now I'm pretty sure it's in another categorical realm altogether.

I've been in what I thought was love two times in my short life.  The first was a sexual desire, and the second was an intellectual surety.

In the first instance, I was completely enveloped by a lustful urge for physical intimacy--an evolutionarily adapted instinct to procreate.  My relationship with this person was fueled by passionate make-out sessions and other physically intimate acts.  Despite our intense physical attachment,  however, we were aligned neither on the intellectual level nor on the 'third' level, which I will attempt to explain later, and as a result our relationship came to an end and we went our separate ways.

The second instance, and the more recent of the two, arose from a sense of perfect compatibility.  I thought we were perfect for each other.  We had similar life goals, similar values, and got along awesomely.  Interestingly enough, throughout the tenure of my fascination with this individual, I did not entertain a single sexual fantasy in which that person was involved.  I called my love 'spiritual' and thought it was everything 'beautiful and lofty,' but sadly, or maybe fortunately, things did not work out and I never even got a date.  The reasons this person gave me for refusing my advances were incomprehensible to me at the time, as there was no logical or sexual reason for the refusal, and instead was just a simple, baffling 'uncertainty.'

This 'uncertainty' has been a terrifying subject for my analytic brain to think about, and I have spent many hours since the rejection trying to understand it.  It is the very reason I am writing this blog post right now and, admittedly, has biased every bit of information I have written here.  In a way, this post is intended as a closure to the anxieties I have experienced since my rejection, and by categorizing and defining this and that and trying to understand what 'love' is, I am calming my mind and moving on.  It doesn't even matter if anything I've said is true or not--what matters is that I believe it, and I do.  So, what of this abysmal 'uncertainty?'

That's what love is, (man).  It's uncertain.  That's the third level, the level of uncertainty.  It's the level of 'just clicking,' of 'at first sight,' of 'I don't know, there's just something about her...'  It's illogical, non-sexual, and wonderful.  Sure, we may justify our uncertainty using reasons, or enjoy our sexual experiences with our partners, but at the end of the day, those things are irrelevant and separate from the uncertainty principle of love.  Love is a zenful thing.  It's like the Tao--unknowable but through experience.

Ok, this may be crazy, I know, but it's alright.  I believe this because of my most recent experience in the arena of 'love,' in which I developed a 'crush' on a person who, while being incredibly attractive, I feel no sexual urges for, and who, while being a complete joy to be around, I hardly even know.  Add to all this the fact that it is extremely disadvantageous for me to have feelings for this person, and we get something that transcends both sex and logic.

And here I was, thinking humans were merely sexual/intellectual beings... I guess there's some Zen to us after all.

A Response to Nietzsche: The Übermensch

They have already come.  They have already breathed and died.  There have been many, actually.

There are two kinds of supermen.  The first are the political supermen.  Among these are Moses, Muhammad, and Joseph Smith, Jr.  These men all created political organizations that have lasted, and will last, the test of time.  They are the shepherds of men.  Everyone else are just sheep, following blindly.

The second are spiritual supermen.  Among these are the Buddha and Jesus.  These are men who have transcended the shit-encrusted world and attained "enlightenment."  These guys dgaf about what happens here on earth and just chill out like nobody's business.

A Crazy Idea.

I had a crazy idea tonight, so I wrote it down.  These are my notes, unedited and undiluted:

I have created the creator.  I have given birth to God!  Like my earliest primordial ancestor, I have had an original thought!

It matters not whether He is real or not.  His existence is irrelevant to our own lives.  It is the IDEA of Him that matters.

This IDEA of God is a beautiful one.  He is what unifies us.  He is Plato's GOOD.  We must view him as such.

Religious leaders before crafted their messages to unify specific populations--Moses to unify the Jews, Christ to unify the people of Jerusalem, Muhammed to unify the Arabs.  We must unify THE WORLD.

Not under dogma or faith, but under GOD.

Tell the people He loves them.  Tell them He is real.  Tell them He condemns no one--that that is not His place.  His place is to love us, every one individually, and society as a whole.

No Hell--No Heaven.  Imagine All the People, Living Life in Peace, UNDER GOD!

He will be like Santa for the children--except even the naughty receive presents!

The Gods created in goodwill by our spiritual leaders--Moses, Christ, and Muhammed--have been used against the people by the people in order to repress the downtrodden and outcast, and to glorify themselves through a SOCIAL Religion.

There will be no such things with Our new God--all will be truly equal!

The Bible, Qur'an have been used to justify hatred and pride, and to persecute and destroy.  Our new scripture will do no such thing!

There is the New Bible of our New God in its entirety:

I love you.

Bunnies.

You are all like bunnies, harmlessly hopping along.  You are chasing a horse, who is trotting at a comfortable speed, just ahead of you.  The horse is chasing a carrot, dangling above its head.  You are chasing the horse which is chasing the carrot.  You want the carrot, and the horse tells you he will share.  Little do you know, you are hopping through a whole field of carrots, the tops of which tickle your underbellies as you follow behind the trotting horse.  All you need is someone to tell you where you are, that there are carrots right beneath you, and that you need not mindlessly follow the horse any longer.

Truth: I am the horse.

Grilled Cheese

It's good.

A Clean Room.

I cleaned my dorm room today.  After 2 good weeks of chaos, my shoes are once again neatly lined up in their proper places, my desk is free of clutter and old assignments, and my dishes are clean.

There is a certain sense of empowerment that comes from seeing a room in order.

I've lived according to "nature's course" for long enough.  It's time to accept the other side of my nature--that of the social.  Living a natural life provides a nice respite from the human world, but as a human being, I must return to civilized life.  It would be against my own nature to remain a hermit forever.  I must descend from my lofty mountain abode and return to the land of the fallible.  I must clean up my house so that others will feel comfortable visiting.

It is part of man's nature to go against nature's course.  It is part of my nature to clean my room.

Confession of Faith.

I do not believe in a literal, anthropomorphic God-being who created us and determines our fate.  You could call me an atheist in that sense.  But do not for a minute believe I do not live a religious life.

I have faith.  Sometimes my faith is too strong and admittedly irrational, but it is the foma that makes me "brave and kind and healthy and happy."

Rationally or not, I believe all of mankind is essentially, at its core, good.  My reverence for God has been diverted to a reverence for the natural world, and the goodness of humanity.

Surely, you may ask, how can you believe in such a lie?  There are too many examples of evil in this world--hatred, murder, genocide!  How can you deny the evil that is humankind?

To this, I answer: all the evils of the world are simply manifestations of the individual's frustrated drive to be loved, to be good.  If an individual feels safe and loved, he will have no desire to harm another living thing, and he will in fact be motivated to make the world better!  It is when our insecurities and fear of the unknown overwhelm us that we become capable of the most horrible atrocities.

Thus, I believe that even the most hardened murderer can change if put into the proper environment.  If the rough, bitter exterior that has been built up after years and years of disappointment, insecurity, and fear can be dissolved, then the beautiful, good interior will reveal itself.  The most wonderful metamorphosis will take place--the animal contorted by pain will be transformed into his true self and realize his true potential--as a Child of God, a Manifestation of the Cosmic Consciousness, or simply as a Human Being.

This is my spirituality.  I believe in the human species.